Battlefield Earth

Most of you will remember that, about twelve seconds after the Twin Towers toppled, right-winger Jerry Falwell confidently concluded that the blame for America's suffering should be laid at the feet of the ACLU (and the gays, but that goes without saying).

In similar fashion, left-winger Sharon Stone has recently opined that the earthquake in China was karma's way of punishing the country for its oppresive treatment of Tibet.

It seems, then, that defending civil liberties makes God angry, while failing to defend them makes karma angry. Talk about being "damned if you do, and damned if you don't," for regardless of which side of the aisle you're on, you're apparently moments away from utter annihilation.

Once again, the liberals and conservatives demonstrate that they're all playing for the same team. And with the battlefield being this present age, I'd say "Team Earth" had better kiss and make up rather than all this in-fighting over whose worldly agenda to idolize.

And amid all this laying claim to the earthly title of "Champion of the Culture War," the confessionalist bemusedly and patiently taps his fingers on the pew and waits for the passing of the bread and the wine.