Monday, March 30, 2009

My Anti-Bucket List, Part 2

As I mentioned in an earlier post, the idea of a "bucket list" (a list of things to do before I kick the bucket) is pretty unappealing to me. Instead, I have begun compiling an anti-bucket list consisting of things I have never done and genuinely hope never to accomplish before I die. This post contains my anti-bucket list item #2.

I have never watched a football game.

Of course, I have seen football on TV (usually at a restaurant or some other public place), but I have never actually watched an entire game from start to finish. Of course, my overall lack of exposure to this sport in no way disqualifies me from opining about it publically, so here goes:

First off, you gotta admit that football isn’t all that physically strenuous (unless you compare it to baseball). Think about it: not only are the players completely covered in padding from head to toe (to protect them against what the refs call "unnecessary roughness"), but the total amount of actual playing time for someone who's in for the entire game can't be more than around 10 minutes or so. Each play, from the snap to the tackle, touchdown, or incompletion only averages around 5 seconds, 10 at the most. And when you take into account the fact that there are separate teams playing offense and defense, well, it begins to look like the most running these guys do is to and from the bench. Any soccer, rugby, or basketball player expends way more energy than a football player. I may have even exerted myself more strenuously by writing this sentence.

And enough already with the whole running the ball up the middle thing. If I were given the chance to coach an NFL team—a job I would be awesome at—I would tell my players, "Hey fellas, see that big pack of defenders clogging up the middle? Yeah, them. Maybe try to, I don't know, avoid those guys. Go around them is what I'm saying." Or just pass the ball more, that's at least interesting.

So there you have it, another feat I am very proud not to have accomplished.